Chin Up

Psalm 46:1-3 God is our refuge and strength an ever-present help in trouble Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea though its waters roar and foam and the mountains quake with their surging.

So I'm spending time with my Bible tonight. And with my Lord and Savior. It's funny, when my dad first said to Brandon, "Watch Heather, she'll slip" I was offended. Now I look at myself and say, "How could he be so right?" And I am frustrated with myself over it. How do I keep letting Him down? I'm doing nothing majorly wrong, but I'm still not living in Him. Sure, I'm a Christian, but I need to be growing. Mom has always said that bad things happen to both good and bad people, but God blesses those who live in Him.

Now I find myself needing those blessings. That's not the reason I am seeking Him tonight, my reasoning is much simpler, much more embarrassing, and much more selfish. I need Him. I need guidance. I need someone to hold my hand and help me hold my head up high.

I wish I could be there for Brandon. I wish I could hold his hand and sit beside him and tell him everything will be ok. I wish he could hold my hand and tell me everything will be ok. But we can't do those things. Not now. So I have to trust the Lord to hold Brandon's hand and ease his discomfort. I pray every night for God to hold Brandon near His heart. Tonight, I pray extra hard. Life isn't easy and we have to do things we don't like, but in the end, we never have to do them alone.

So beginning tomorrow I go back to something I don't want to do. I go back to work where I am underappreciated and walked on and expected to forgive and act as if nothing ever happened. And because options are so very limited, this is exactly what I will do. And I will hold my head up high. I will ask for more hours that I do not want and work any I get with a smile on my face. I will apply for extra jobs if need be and do it all with grace. I will graduate on May 6th and pursue the future even more. And all along, I will have a husband who loves me, a God who helps me, a best friend who holds me, and a family who protects me. How can I complain when there are bigger worries than just being jilted by work?

Brandon needs me, my family needs me, my darling kitty needs me, and my friend needs me. I am all of these things to all of these people and therefore I can still walk into work everyday with my chin up and my thick skin on.

Love to all. <3>

Honest Conversations

Wowsers, It's been awhile since I posted. A lot has changed. hehe. To catch the world up (not that all my readers don't already know, but hey)

I went to Hawaii.
I turned 22.
I had a fabulous time.
I got engaged.
I'm getting married on the 31st.
I'm going back to Hawaii for the wedding.
I leave the 28th.

There you have it. :)

I'm actually doing really well with everything. I've been super stressed, and hearing everyone's concerns doesn't help. But they have started to slack off on the comments and be more productive. Now we're on the road to success. lol.

I would have really liked it if Brandon hadn't been in the field the WHOLE time, but it can't be helped. I'm almost done with the planning. Never thought I'd say that. Really all I have left is to find some footwear for myself, the bridesmaid dresses and some ceremony music. I'm very proud of myself.

I also found the most beautiful dress. And would you believe it fit perfectly? NO alterations. Amazing. Fate I tell you.

So I've spent the last couple of days thinking about my life. About the past. Thinking about when I first met Brandon. I will never forget the first time I talked with him. We talked forever. I had such a crush on him the entire time he was there. I woke up in the morning thinking about going to work thinking about the fact that he would be there. Stupid, I know.

Even when things were not good, when he was into other girls and I was unhappy with life and my job and the entire situation, I still liked him. He claims he liked me, too. I would never call him a liar, but Brandon was in a bad place back then. Things were just suddenly changing and he wasn't sure how to continue. So he had a good time and wasn't concerned with the details. I was a detail.

I'll also never forget the last time I saw him. I'd bet he doesn't even remember. I do. He had come back to the store to say goodbye. I had just gotten the Jeep after totaling the Tracker. He came over to my Jeep while I sat in the driver's seat and talked to me. He actually talked to me, like the first time. Not like every time in between which was laced with sarcasm and sexual innuendo. Serious conversation.

That night I went home and asked God to tell me why he had to leave. I got no reply.

Over two years later I have finally gotten my reply. And I can't imagine it being sweeter. People haven't been lying all this time. The best things in life really are worth waiting for.

Turn your face to the sun and the shadows fall behind you

I live in a world of shadows. There are very few people in my life that I consider to be bright spots. Those people know who they are. I would like to start by saying I love you all very much.

Having said that, I now feel like I will unfortunately shake that because I have something I need to say.

I am at a loss. I feel like no one trusts my judgment. I know that I have messed up. I know I have made bad decisions. But isn't it my life? Can't I make my own decisions without constantly being reminded of my hindrances? I am not perfect, of that I am aware. I had to seek help. I am aware of that also. I lost some of myself, but I truly feel clear headed again.

I can already hear the skepticism in your heads and hearts. And it casts a shadow on my life. That skepticism keeps me from taking the risks I truly desire to take. Uncertainty breaks me. I cannot be uncertain about every decision I make for the rest of my life. I cannot allow myself to believe I have lost judgment.

I need you all to know that I have seen sunlight for the first time in a long time. Do not doubt me. Trust me. Do not stop me when I make decisions. Support me and it will go further. It will show me how much you love me. I need you to love and support me or I have nothing in this world.

That's not accurate. I will always have the decisions I make and the outcomes of those decisions. That, is something, someone that I will always have regardless or judgments or doubts.

I LOVE YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

Perfect Light

How do I feel?

That is a loaded question. I am happy with my life. Truly I am. But still, sometimes I get depressed.

I hate being depressed. There seems to be no way out. Imagine being locked inside a dark room and the only source of light you have disappears. Then you are left in utter and complete darkness.

This is how I feel sometimes. And its stupid really. I can be having a great day and one little event can turn that completely upside down.

Reasoning?

My self-esteem is just that low. I hinge my happiness on other people to such a degree that I let it ruin my day. Little comments, snide remarks, complete indifference. These things stick with me and hurt me. You don't realize that they hurt me. Or you realize they do but you feel that I am being too sensitive. I am sensitive. It is who I am. I am sorry for that. I am not sorry for that. It is who I am.

I am sorry for those times when I am not good enough. I am sorry for those times when I cannot be exactly what you need. I am sorry for not being able to figure it out. I really am trying to figure it out. For you. For me.

This quote has been on my Facebook profile for awhile, but it has such meaning to me that I hope it helps you understand me.

“Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night” -Sarah Williams

Yes, it is enough. Enough for forever.

I'll give you 2 guesses as to which book series that line originates from. :)

I sit here at work doing nothing. Bored. In pain. And did I mention bored?

Today at the "doctor" we discussed my forevers. What is forever to me? What is worthy of forever to me? Who is worthy of forever with me?

Shannon thinks I overthink things. She's right, I know. I need to be more willing to roll with life rather than waste time planning every second out.

I made a decision.

I am going to begin to live for today. Live for today, casually plan for tomorrow, and no miss out on things or say no to things I want because I'm scared. Because I'm thinking.

Is it enough? Yes, it is enough. Enough for forever. You are enough for forever. My nearests and dearests. You are enough.

All Good Things

"And I know what they say
About all good things
Will they come to an end
But I'll fight this time
So that we might
Have a chance at this.."

18 Days. That is the song. Really it's 34 days though. Same difference however. I am standing up and saying though, good things don't always have to come to an end.

K says I'm beautiful. I finally believe she's right. B calls me sweetheart. I finally believe he's truthful. S calls me loser. I know he's right and truthful. :)

I have come to realize I really like who I am. I have messed up moments. Some weird attributes, but it makes me who I am, and I like who I am.

K, B, and S. These are peoples I love. I hope you all know it.

No More Tears to Cry

So Kindle sits beside me listening to a song that has that line in it. It's a pretty line, it's a pretty song. It's a good idea. It's an impossible idea, however. Don't get me wrong, I don't sit around crying. In fact, it's been awhile since I've cried.

But the truth remains the same. I generally am, as Anna puts it, an abnormally chipper person. Sometimes I have sad days. For no apparent reason.

Today was one of those days. So I slept, cleaned, did laundry, and cooked. Well, heated up food. lol. Like I said before, Kindle is here now so I feel better. She always makes me happy. I wish a certain someone was also here, and I wish certain situations were over, but until they are I will continue to clean.